What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 00:53
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had hoped to write a book about this .
How do women feel when they are in love?
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My life is so biszare .
What is so great about Jiraiya?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Adipisci omnis dolor vitae nulla explicabo tenetur.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do I want to give up on men?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She wouldn,t have been !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was scared of men, in general
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Comes on , in middle age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!